Life is about rushing..is it? Well, if it isnt, then why do people go around chasing their dreams..And if not, why in Quran we are asked to perform good deeds as if today is the last day we live? Or if not, why are we asked to give the best we can offer?

Hmm..just that this thought came into my mind when some friends asked about my being.. because havent heard of myself. So my first answer was i'm ok. as usual.. struggling, rushing..

A couple of my frens said they have wasted their second year so in the third year they had to struggle a lot. But i told them all the same. I think i was quite productive in my second year but maybe as my sv said i got too carried away wif the refinement and has not focus much on his subtle suggestion to work on something new. So now had to fuss my butt working on it.

Had another meeting wif my sv yesterday to report the progress of the automatic terminal creation. Tried to mine the word context; looking at the predecessor and successor, and find the high association set to suggest as the similar concept words. Had to do more testing and generate more data and next try to find another method beside this method.

I was not as bad as last time. I managed tos tay calm but couldnt silent the whispers in my heart nor silent the echo in my mind that this happens probably because of my intention, i tried as much as i can to do my works in the goal of knowledge gain; not merely to complete the study, the thesis or to aim to go b ack to Malaysia..well..but at the same time i need to make sure i can reach another goal..shouldnt pressure myself much i think, but u know, it is just there..anyway, i promise myself i will not go crazy and afterall, this is about knowledge gaining..fine. fullstop.

last night i watched 2 documentaries on itv4. the first one was on the danger of body tanning. whilst it has become so popular that salon mushrooming everyone and one can turn from pale to olive tone in a few hours, many has not realized the bad effect on this on their health. this programme hosted by a member of Girls Aloud who used to be a slave on this tanning craze but stopped when discovering its effect on her skin and health and now working on campaigning for people to stop and also to ask government to create regulations. it is reported that increasing number of skin cancer cases among people experienced on tanning. some had got addicted and undergone it almost everyday. others spend tonnes on products that claimed to make the tanning process through the machine more effective and long lasting. others take it as daily routine through supplement, visiting the salon everyday for a few hours and walk out darker. An interview with a skin expert says that these people experience new and growing moles all over their body. Ok, a short summary on people pursuing their dream towards 'real beauty'.

The second show was also about dream chasing. Titled 8 sons and no daughter. It was about couples with one gender children who wished and kept working on getting a child with an opposite gender. Most of the families comprised of all boys, and it was shown of the desperation of the couples especially the mothers towards having a baby girl. They are in dilemma because after trying for many years some keep wondering if they are just capable of producing one 1 gender children. Some husband blamed themselves because they said teh gender depends on their sperms. Some already had 4 sons, and 1 family with 8 sons. In UK gender-designed babies are banned. So these couples flew out of UK, one case to Spain to undergo the preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) programme. Similar to IVF, this programme is usually expensive and do not necessarily gurantee the desired outcome. The process goes that the mother should inject medication daily to simulate the ovum to simulate more eggs. And then the couple should go to the clinic and the doctor remove some eggs. Next sperms are injected into the ovums. When the embryo with the desired gender is ready, it is implanted into the uterus and presumed pregnant until otherwise (when the pregnancy check after a certain period is performed). Among the 3 or 4 pairs featured in the show, only 1 case had successfully conceived, and got a pair of girls. One implantation failed, and one kept on trying using a subtler and more natural method.

So here goes the second story about working out for any goal you want in life. Funny why i had to share this here but somehow i think besides to share this thought of mine and also making explicit my knowledge gained through the show, i sort of telling myself that it is normal to have a goal in life. And to work for it. Because that keeps us busy and that shapes us into who we are. So be thankful for who you are!

I had a meeting wif my sv this morning. Wanted to ask hime some questions on the paper he passed and to ask further on my new task. I took the chance to tell him about my worries on the time limitation, on thesis writing and on my vagueness on the new work. The things i prepared did not hit the right thing again. But this time the meeting is better because at least i have a better and organised plan on what i should do next. And also ask him is it possible if i give a try about 1 month on this new thing, and if i was is slow or having a problem, i wish to work on smaller work scale, which just as i have brought along. He agreed and said that actually he would allow me to go into diferent direction because he dont want to be a dictator but just an advisor in my work. As usual, this softened me but i told him i really do want to proceed in this new thing because i know it is for the best, just that i am worried on my capability. Then was the time we came up with the work plan and also a quick revision on things that should go into my thesis.

With those in mind, and knowing i have to work hard, i return home for lunch and Zuhr pray. I was also trying to calm down. This time i tried not to be self pity instead preparing my mental.

After that i headed to study circle, a weekly meeting of ladies to share and study on tajweed, tafsir and some food for soul. Although just 3 people came this week, I was glad i made it because besides more new lesson, the food for soul slot was really interesting and fruitful. I relate it to my current state and help me realize that i should change, thus 'the power of intention' as this entry title. This week the main contributor for the slot is Siti Sofo.

She talked about a story of two brothers. One day the father of the two taught them to pray. The first one is very intelligent and starts at once. The second son is less intelligent. He went to his father and ask him to write down the prayer on a paper so he wont forget it. The first one always pray that he is intelligent and rich. He is blessed with intelligence and become rich. The first one keeps the same prayer. Time goes by and now both brothers are adults. The first one has becoem a usscessful person. He is also very rich and intelligent. Despite this, he keeps asking for more other things. The second one leads just a normal life. One day the eldest brother visits his younger brother. He said to him, look, all my prayers are answered. I am now rich, intelligent and successful. I am also loved by Allah. He listened to all my needs. The second one said nothing but just smile. After a few years, the second brother passed away. The eldest brother then goes to his house to arrange for funeral. When searching his b rother's room, he found a very familiar piece of paper. He knows it was his brother's. Inside is written Oh Allah please grant all my brother's wishes. Now he knows all the things that he got is because of his brother's wishes. The moral of the story here is that our life is based on what we have asked; everything that we get or happened to us is to accomodate our wishes. Same applies to many undergraduates who set in their mind to study a subject just for the sake of exams. This explains why many forgets what they studied afterwards. If only one sets the intention to study for knowledge, they roads will be clearer. Afterall Allah said think good things about me because i appear as how people think about me.

Sofo continued on another story in Jordan where all the imams pray that Allah grant the prayers of other religious men than them. Because they believe, another people's prayers for us will be granted. Especially parents', and also friends. And Iz, another lady presence during the study added, there are many books written on intention; the power of intention, the lwa of attraction, chicken soup of the soul; all these actually repeats on what beloved Rasulullah S.A.W has taught Muslim some 1500 years ago. That we would get what we demands. That is why we should always think positive. To elaborate, she talked on a famous say that wealth is not about money, it is about habits. Someone is rich because all the elements in his life works together; a healthy, supportive family, relationship, thinking, food, etc2. If one of these element fails, it will also drag down other things.

I took that hint to relate to my case, before this i felt reluctant and in denial state, although I know i somehow have to face it and solve this problem. But now i think again, this happens to me because i want to gain as much knowledge that i can from my study. And i want a successful research. So this challenge is a piece for me to achieve my dream. So in order for me to reach the goal, i shoudl think positive, i should think that i can do it, for if i set that i can do it, only every peices in my body and mind will prepare and work for it. Insyaallah. Afterall that is why the mind is located above the heart, so the mind will control the heart, and one's refer to the mind first before being too influenced by the heart. And so i have to also prepare my heart, be be open, to be prepared, to be sincere, because liek a tree, the heart is located in the middle, so it can make sure the body survive.

Dear you, I purposely write this entry because i hope to share this good thing that has happened to me today. Not intended to be arrogant nor haughty, i hope you could see the hidden message in teh story as how i did. For that i sometimes feel an emptiness and somehow i look for answers and many times i feel challenged and burden that i dont think i have enough energy to perform. But maybe this a repetition, but excuse me because it is actually the intention that matters. Of course we dont want to be like an analogy of emotion; like a person carrying bananas behind his back, everything he feels negative, one piece will become rotten, so imagine taking rotten bananas around...

** Following are some excerpts from Letting Go of Your Bananas: How to Become More Successful by Getting Rid of Everything Rotten in Your Life
by Dr. Daniel T. Drubin http://www.businessknowhow.com/growth/bananas.htm

You get to decide right now if you want to continue on your present path of life and have those obstacles keep you where you are, or do whatever is necessary to go beyond those barriers. You decide which of the bananas in your bunch are worth keeping and which of the rotten bananas you want to rid yourself of. One of life’s biggest challenges is the challenge of letting go. Letting go of your bananas begins with the power of one: one bold action, one brave decision, one limitless vision, one great question, one new idea, one burning desire, or one act of kindness. As soon as you are willing to embrace the fact that you can change the quality of your life and act on that belief, your world changes for the better. To get to a better place in your life, a place beyond your barriers, a place without rotten bananas, you must be prepared to let go of the known. Letting go of the bananas in your life requires courage and the willingness to live with the consequences of your decisions. Only those of you who are prepared to face the risks associated with letting go of the existing and embarking on the quest for a better future will have the opportunity to bask in the glow of life overflowing with personal opportunity and professional victories.

Remember, improving the quality of your life takes work, focus, consistency, and a burning desire to maximize the positive moments of each day of your life. As with so many things in life, there is always a trade-off. You have the ability and power to choose consciously to rid yourself of all of your personal limitations. Take stock of every single thing that holds you back and exchange those limitations for a life of limitless potential, a life that is more personally and professionally rewarding. Life is a mirror, and what you see in your personal universe is an absolute mirror image of your feelings, thoughts, and actions. If you perceive that you have barriers, you’re right, and the only thing that really matters when you have obstacles or barriers is your level of resourcefulness. Those who want the most out of life can get it if they are highly energized and creatively resourceful. That’s right: everything that exists in your present state of life is a direct reflection of all of your feelings, thoughts, and actions. Change your feelings, thoughts, and actions and you change your life. Change your life and your rotten bananas disappear and your barriers begin to fall. Because your life is a mirror, what you are experiencing in your life right now is also a direct reflection of all the effort and energy you have invested in the quality of your life up to this point in time. If you want to enjoy a better and more gratifying life--a life without bananas--you must begin by altering what you see when you look at and analyze all the aspects of your life.

This entry is specially dedicated to all of you who has helped me in my hard time last Friday. THANK YOU very much for your support!! I was badly crushed although up to this moment i am still uncertain with the cause that leads to that situation. Yes, life is very much filled with uncertainty. Fuzzy. Much of the background of work i am dwelling now. Much of the area i will swim deeper into. If i try. And i need to try.

So in all the mess and dont want to further trouble other people around, i try to calm down over the weekend. On a minimal budget and time, took Khairah to the 5-minutes distant Bristol City Museum and Art Gallery with main target to visit the animals gallery. Looking at Khairah and other visitors enjoying the displays help me to get tune down faster. And also maybe a break from a routine. But still at the back of my mind i was still threading the cause that leads me into the big impact.

One of the reasons i think was because i have sort of feel complacent which leads to a fantasy that my journey ahead would be clearer and better focused. This really tells me publications are not the guarantee that you are on the right track. Or also because i have set in mind that i would be back to Malaysia in at least 9 more months. And also because of a tension welling up because i so want to attend my sisters wedding. Inability to help her prepare for that big event has already put me in a position of guilt, and the best i could do is consultation through phone with her. And sometimes email. And listening to her problems, or more like a shout when needed.

And i was also depending on the work plan ahead which i had shown to my sv before forwarding it to KPT and UPM. I knew that i am required to do a few more things to be included in my thesis. But was still vague to the scale of effort required. Or amount of time i need to spend. This is the factor that i fear most. And because i know my pace and capability. I know i would be slowed with the new stuff that i have to do. And also because i had put high hope into the last meeting, not to expect to have much a praise, but at least a more comfortable feeling. Something motivating. Some determination to work harder. Not that i got scolded or anything. But maybe just a cry of tiredness. Well, the new order of course demands a very hard work. Nothing in research can be done overnight. Nothing can build up in a glimpse of eye. This i know. But this i still need to nail into my head. For i need to stop living in my fantasy bubble and gear up for the new challenge. After all that is the reason i come here. And now i am transferring that spirit to focus me to go back. As for how much work done at that time, i dont want to worry much anymore.



Before this i was so desperate of trying to chase some self-defined deadlines so that i could finish in the 6 months extension, for knowing even if the application of extension for the 2nd 6 months would probably without allowance. And that would be very challenging since both Adee and I are studying and therefore nobody could work to support our financial here. And besides that scary thought we both are also so homesick we just want to complete this work here hopefully and go back with other life and future planning. If time permits. If He would grant it. Or if that is written.

So much of uncertainty. And security. But yet still want to live in gusto. Gusto. Cheerful. Happiness. This is at least the most certain thing i figured that day. All expressed clearly on the kids faces at the children activity section in the museum. They played happily. Trying out new things. All the same with me. Breaking from a routine. And who knows some maybe will steer into something new. Maybe ask their parents to buy new toy like at the activity corner? How simpler life could be for them?



So in the spirit of trying new things, I proceed to Sainsbury, 5 minutes from the Museum and bought couscous as preparation for dinner before dropping at my lab to print for some papers on the new work i found were written by my sv. So much of a first step. And so that goes my day report on that Saturday. Alhamdulillah at last I feel calmer, more positive, more gathered, focus and more ready to accept the new challenge. Again, all this because of the guidance and good words i received from you guys. Thank you and i pray that may your journey be cleared up too. Enjoy this piece of joke forwarded from my hub from PhD comics as his soothing charm to me.

aduh sedihnya rasa perasaan hatiku...
baru balik jumpa sv
banyak gak yang dibincangkan
selain correction paper yg still berlambaks
and his reminder to me to be more thorough and critical
tak kesah la tu..mmg patut pun aku kena buat correction
aku ni pun satu..tah
carried away with one particular thing kot so tak sedar buat salah
dah tak pk alternative and solution lain
or just being human
such a lame excuse
tp tak kesah la tu
yang buat aku sangat sedih, risau dan debar
is sebab kena buat benda baru
sedangkan dihitung2kan aku may be ada until october sahaja untuk CB berelaun
sempat ke nak buat semua2 benda dalam masa 10 bulan ni?
aku nak balik!!
sedihnya..
penat tau study ni
b4 ni my beloved sv dah kata this new thing would complement things that i have done and i need something new for my thesis
and i have tried to do the design and all
but somehow td mcm what i have suggested and done for the new thing is not quite right
did not hit the right problem
the solution is not promising
so dia pun illustrate la problem baru yang kena buat tu
first time tu
setelah dalam 4-5 bulan hint2 psl kena tambahan tu
and aku dah spend effort buat dalam 2 3 bulan mikir
hmm..mmg style dia sbb biasanya problem ktrg ni ad-hoc so takde la paper ke apa ke
except dia kata maybe apa yg aku buat ni ada relation dgn something yg research assoc dia penah buat
tp RA dia tu dah pindah
and dulu masa aku buat benda yg aku dah ada sekarang ni pun bersusah payah aku nak pahamkan
itupun time apek tu ada n tu pund ia pun byk je stages kena progress
hai..when i thought everything is nice and set, ada pulak lagi benda baru kena buat
bukan nak mengungkit, after all, it is for my own benefit, tapi...mengeluh lagi...
dahla jurnal pun kena pressure jugak
tapi nak buat camne
asal aku draft utk jurnal tup2 content tu kena cekup pulak utk chase conference
hmm..nasib badan
i know benda baru ni akan buat my work be a complete package, but in 10 months? with thesis lagi? arghh..
and then kena belajar benda baru tu lagi? kena buat design lagi? programming lagi? experiment lagi?
chobaan...
time kasih la baca luahan hati aku ni
tak dapat tidak, aku kena juga buat kan?
so nak tak nak, back to work la...

I am officially off work today..heheh..padahal dah malam dah ni and tentu2lah siang tadi aku ponteng school..Huhu..alasan: snow so konon nak spend time beriadah bersama ahli keluarga dan mengabadikan kenangan dengan insan2 yang kucintai..but let me not spoil the next entry which will focus on snow insyaallah..Since today otakku ini tak penat walaupun badan agak letih i decide to do some casual writing in this beloved blog, dan juga sbb ada material yg dah makin basi dalam my inbox..wokeh enuff with my melaluts..

my last december was busy because it is officially a celebration month, with Adee's birthday on the 13th and Khairah's on the 25th. And besides that i also celebrate myself with boxing day pre-shopping and also a couple of days after Christmas itself..this is also an official cue that i am officially rabaks...

We were lucky because Adee's birthday this year was held at kak Rozi's house in conjunction with abg Hairul, kak Rozi's husband and Ayik's, kak Kin's son. Initial plan was to hold that party at my little house but due to limited space and we want to have a high-table English dine before entertaining ourself with the X-Factor final, we had it at kak Rozi's. Potluck as per usual, my menu was salmon and rocket salad topped toasted garlic bread for appetiser, Chicken Chop for main serving, and Christmas Bomb cake. Kak Rozi did roasted lamb leg with steamed vegetable, potato gratin and cheese cake. Kak Kin took shepherd pie and also cake for Ayik. The dinner went very satisfying and all our effort in dressing up and preparing the table unwasted.



On Dec 25th for Khairah kak Wan offer a little gathering at her house and shared with Zamil's birthday celebration. Christmas food again as the menu with my turn on preparing roasted lamb leg which had almost become overdone because i was so immersed in playing makeup artist for the kids. Kak Wan had served roasted chickens, yorkshire pudding, baked potato while kak Ani prepared the cupcakes and pannacotta as dessert. The decoration in the house was an exercise before a birthday bash for Khairah, Zamil, Ayik and another 13 children to be held this Saturday insyaallah. The next day on the 26th we spent our day at Broadmead shopping and i got a few stuff for Khairah, family in Malaysia and Adee also had a nice shopping spree. Then on 27th we headed on to Clarks Village with me laden with a couple of good bargain pants for casual wear and 2 pairs of shoes.

From 28th Dec until 6th Jan we had hibernated most of the time in our house enjoying movies, venturing new recipes with my new recipe books and spending time with Khairah. Looking at her enjoying her new toys is an emotion i couldnt express in words here. Thinking that this might be our last winter here is another story. As much as i look forward to go back our counting the months to first see my MIL and SIL family here in May and then my family hopefully before my sister's wedding, i am also trying to prepare myself mentally for the thesis writing. Although there is some sketches here and there, from previous reports from experiments, progress reports and papers, but the acquired skill in thesis writing is not as easy as spelling it. On this note, this reminds me of a picture i got from Adee, a snapshot from our YM chat while i was in Pisa in early Dec. It was the first night i was there and I was desperately trying to see Khairah virtually and communicate with her but this had actually hurt her more than not seeing me. I take this as another motivation for my in pursuing my remaining tasks in my study challenge.


Oww..i am suppose to stay calm and cool today...so lets talk about my 3 year old little girl. Having her is a gift to us, and i am thankful to Allah for guiding me in being a mother and wife, for theoretically sometimes i myself am not confident i can deliver these roles. Khairah has not had any major tantrum in her 2nd year though many people equate 2 year old as the terrible two. Alhamdulillah she had impressed me many times and this ease my part as well. Shaping into a more girlie kid, she had begun to wear makeup more frequently not mentioning my broken lipsticks, smudged eye shadow palette, and dusty compact powder. But funniest bit of all, whenever she put lipstick, lip gloss or any thing in those category, she will automatically make pouty lips worrying the makeup will go off. She even avoid to eat and because of the shape of the lips, instead of calling me 'ibu', it will sound 'ivu' and 'pintu' becomes 'fintu'. And that was the time i had to ban all makeup kit for her. But that goes just for a couple of days for i miss very much looking at her playing princess and do these girlish stuff.



Her drawings are better now and has started to learn to write. I had not hoped much on this at this stage but maybe her peer influence from Aiesya, Kak Rozi's daughter has roped her into a matured girl a bit more advance in timeframe. Still big fan of Dora the Explorer, she had also started to show interest in Hannah Montana, this bit has surprise me of course, again peer influence, i would say. And she had also been missing school, or perhaps bored of being at home? Haha..

I guess this should do for now. Adios!